


so if you love me, do it gently.

by unforgettablemagic



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depressing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Trigger warning: abuse, endgame: ziam, has a happy ending i swear, trigger warning:rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-09
Updated: 2013-03-09
Packaged: 2017-12-04 19:28:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/714200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unforgettablemagic/pseuds/unforgettablemagic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>when you get hurt a lot, you find it hard to trust people. but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still take the chance.</p><p>or the four times where liam gets hurt in a relationship, and then the one time he doesn’t.</p>
            </blockquote>





	so if you love me, do it gently.

**Author's Note:**

> This is all over the place and i'm sort of terrified of posting this and writing the Liam/Harry part was sort of painful and just... yeah.
> 
> Inspired by the song Glass by Thompson Square.

 

 

  
_We are fragile, we are human_   
_We are shaped by the light we let through us_   
_But we break fast, cause we are glass_

 

Liam starts dating Andy at the age of fourteen. Andy had asked him out after one heated make out session, thanks to a very interesting game of 7 Minutes In Heaven.

They were both in that awkward puberty stage where they really didn’t know what they wanted. Although, Liam was fairly certain that he was gay, if the many times he’d wanked off to the gay porn on his computer was any sort of a clue.

Andy was using their relationship more as an experiment; he wasn’t totally sure if he was straight or not, so he figured why not a better way to figure it out than dating his best friend.

Liam began to fall for Andy more than he had ever intended to. He’d never thought it would happen, but Andy had been his first everything; his first boyfriend, his first kiss, and his first partner in sex.

So when Andy broke it off after five months of dating—he’d told Liam he was sure he wasn’t actually gay and that it was just an experiment—Liam had been pretty upset.

That was the first time he’d been hurt.

-

Liam met Niall when the blond haired boy moved to his school when they were sixteen.  Niall liked to make his presence known, so when he’d barged into Liam’s first period and announced that he was the new kid and that his name was Niall, Liam couldn’t help but notice how loud yet beautiful Niall was.

And when Niall chose the empty seat next to Liam and leaned over and introduced himself, they immediately became best friends—because, I mean, who _doesn’t_ want to be best friends with Niall?

They hung out, played video games, kicked a football around and talked about parties and getting wasted, like every teenage boy does. And throughout the months, Liam couldn’t help but fall even more in love with Niall.

But Liam was scared; the last time he’d dated his best friend he’d ended up giving his first kiss and his virginity to a person who just used him as an experiment. He didn’t know if he could handle hurt like that again.

Niall was the one to make the first move. They’d been lying on Niall’s bed, trying to understand their math homework, when Niall had just leaned over and kissed Liam directly on the mouth. Needless to say, after that, they didn’t do much studying.

Liam was cautious, but he eventually found that he was losing himself in the honeymoon stage of their relationship. Niall was sweet and caring and he treated Liam completely differently than how Andy had treated him. He hoped that maybe Niall would actually be different.

Then, one day after school, his hope was shattered when he overheard Niall talking to one of his other friends in the hall—“yeah man,” Niall had been saying, “this whole dare thing is totally worth the 400 bucks I’m getting by the end of it. Just two more weeks until I can break up with that freak. You know he still sleeps with stuffed animals, right?”—and Liam couldn’t believe his ears.

He stormed up to Niall and shoved him into the lockers, tears brimming his eyes. “That’s all I was to you? Huh?! Just a dare?”

Niall didn’t reply, he just stared at Liam with wide eyes while Niall’s friend was trying not to laugh out loud. Liam felt his face heat up out of embarrassment and hurt, and he said in a very low voice, “I fucking hate you.” before storming out of the school with tears streaming down his face.

That was the second time he’d been hurt.

-

Louis was loud and obnoxious and in your face. He was sassy and he felt entitled to everything; and he was everything Liam disliked in a person. So that’s why Liam was so confused to find himself drawn to the boy in a ridiculously striped shirt and suspenders when he’d seen him for the first time in his English Lit class in college.

Ever since the Niall incident, Liam stopped branching out and talking to people. He didn’t have many friends, and he’d certainly hadn’t had a boyfriend since then either. So as much as Liam wanted to go up to the boy and say hi, he didn’t.

Instead, he chose a seat in the very back of the room and away from everybody. He figured being alone was better than being hurt.

He guessed fate didn’t really like that idea, so when Louis had bounded over to him before class started and introduced himself, Liam couldn’t help but a gape a little bit. Louis didn’t seem to notice, though. He just sat himself down next to Liam and proceeded to inform Liam about every detail of his life.

Louis was good for Liam, in a way. He basically forced Liam to come out of his shell and out of his comfort zone. He would continually attack his nipples and jump on him and throw things at him and do other things that Liam was fairly certain that normal friends didn’t do, but Louis wasn’t exactly what one would classify as _normal_ , so he let it go.

He developed sort of a crush on the feathered haired boy, but he knew better than to act on it. He still was terrified to go out with someone after what had happened the two previous times he’d had a boyfriend.

Louis asked him out five months into their friendship. He set up a nice moonlight dinner down by the river—“who knew you were such a romantic, lou?”—and confessed to Liam that he’d like him for a very long time. It was a confession to which Liam had promptly shaken his head and apologized to Louis, saying that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship.

Louis was persistent, though. He begged Liam to tell him why he wouldn’t date him. So Liam eventually broke down and told Louis everything; everything about his past relationships, and his current fears. Louis had just kissed Liam and told him that he would never purposefully hurt him.

That was all the reassurance Liam needed, it seemed. Because Liam ended up admitting that he liked Louis back, and then they began dating.

Dating Louis was wonderful. Louis was always smiling and complimenting him and taking him on special dates. He was gentle and caring during sex, and they always cuddled afterward. Louis always made time for him, no matter how busy he got with school. Liam finally began to feel like he’d possibly found the one.

Until one night when Liam got home late from his track meet. He’d stumbled in at one in the morning—his coach really liked to talk—and threw his stuff down on the couch. He was exhausted, but excited to tell Louis that he’d won his race and that he’d be going to the championship the following month. As he walked down the hall towards his and Louis’ bedroom, he paused. He could hear loud noises coming from behind the door. His nose scrunched in confusion. _What the hell was going on?_

Curious, he turned the knob and opened the door, and he was greeted with a sight that made him sick to his stomach. Louis was on top of some guy and they appeared to be in the middle of pleasing one another— _on Liam’s bed!_ Liam wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to throw up. He didn’t though. He just stood in the doorway, shell-shocked.

Once he’d finally regained his voice, he managed to screech out, “ _What the hell are you doing, Louis?!_ ” Startled, Louis and the mystery guy broke apart with a surprised yelp. When Louis caught sight of Liam in the doorway, his eyes widened and he stuttered out, “Oh, Li—I didn’t—um.”

Liam just shook his head and said, “Forget it Louis. We’re over.”

That night, Liam took all of his stuff out of their— _Louis’_ —apartment, transferred to the university closest to his hometown, and moved back in with his family in an attempt to leave his life, and his memories, with Louis behind.

That was the third time he’d been hurt.

-

He met Harry at the coffee shop he’d taken to going to every morning. He wasn’t a very good morning person, so he valued his morning coffee. He’d started going there during his second year in college when he had more morning classes and when his homework pile seemed to triple in size.

He first saw the curly haired boy when he was ordering his coffee. He could see Harry in the back running around like a madman trying to get coffee’s made—he didn’t blame Harry, of course, they were pretty busy—and he never really had a chance to get a good look at his face.

The chance arrived though, when one day he walked into the coffee shop and Harry was standing there, right behind the counter. He was slightly mesmerized by his bright green eyes and his smooth hair flips and his heart warming grins. So mesmerized, in fact, that he nearly forgot what coffee he was ordering.

Harry began to recognize him every time Liam would walk into the shop. They weren’t in a very large town—that and Liam stopped there every morning before school—so it wasn’t too surprising. He would always greet Liam with a warm hello and he eventually would even have his coffee made for him before Liam even got there. Liam found himself falling quickly under the spell that was Harry Styles.

One day, out of the blue, Harry asked him out. Liam hadn’t done anything but stand there and gape at him like a fish. Harry stood there and waved his hand in front of Liam’s face for a good minute or two before Liam came back down to earth, stuttered out an “I’m sorry—I can’t—I just…” and sprinted out of the shop, leaving a fairly hurt and confused Harry, and his coffee, behind.

Liam avoided the coffee shop for an entire week. He avoided Harry for an entire week. He knew he just couldn’t bring himself to go out with anyone again. Being hurt by Andy and Niall, and being cheated on by Louis; it was all too fresh in his mind. He couldn’t help but be terrified.

Harry was adamant, however. He even went as far as looking Liam’s address up online (which Liam didn’t even know that you could _do_ ) and visited Liam at his house. Needless to say, Liam was shocked once more when he opened the door at eight am to find a very sheepish looking Harry holding a rose standing on his doorstep.

Liam knew that he couldn’t just keep Harry in the dark. He also knew that he had to apologize for leaving so abruptly the week before, and for being so rude when Harry had originally asked him out. He sat Harry down and told him everything; everything from being used an experiment when he was fourteen, Niall only going out with him on a dare, and Louis cheated on him.

When Liam was finished, he sat there and waited for Harry to call him a sissy and to tell him to man up and stop being so scared, but he didn’t; Harry just wrapped his arms around Liam and pulled him against his chest. He promised him that he would never do anything like that, and he promised to treat Liam liked he deserved to be treated.

They dated for a little over a year before things started to go from good to bad, and then from bad to worse. Harry started going out and partying with his college friends. He’d stay out late, then come stumbling into his and Liam’s bedroom at ungodly hours of the morning, reeking of cheap alcohol, perfume, and weed. Harry started to become angry really easily, and anything could set him off at any time. Liam felt like he was always walking around on eggshells around Harry, and he was sick of it.

He decided to confront Harry. One Friday night, Harry went out with his friends as usual, leaving Liam behind to spend his night alone. But this time, Liam was up and waiting for Harry when he slumped in at three am, smelling again of cheap alcohol.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Liam said, rising from the couch where he’d been waiting for Harry.

Harry looked over at Liam, but it was like he wasn’t really focusing on him. “What’d’ya mean?”

“I mean,” Liam took a deep breath to try and stay calm “I mean, that you’ve been going out almost every single night for the past month and half, and then you come back drunk smelling like weed and perfume. Harry, are you—are you cheating on me?”

“No, Liam,” Harry slurs. “Stop bein’ so par’noid.”

“Harry, you know how I feel about this! You know what happened last time. For the last time: are you cheating on me?”

Liam’s accusations seemed to send Harry into a fit of rage that Liam certainly wasn’t expecting. “God, Liam! No, I’m not fucking cheating on you! What’s the big deal?!”

“The big deal is that you stay out late almost every night instead of being with me, that’s what!” Liam huffed.

“I can go out if I wanna, Liam! You can’t do anything about it!”

“No, you can’t Harry! You can’t just go out and leave me alone here! You can’t just go out and get high or drunk or whatever the fuck it is that you’ve been doing every night!” Liam said, storming up to Harry as his voice grew louder, anger and hurt dripping with every word.

That’s when it happened. Harry’s fist swung out and connected with the side of Liam’s face, sending him sprawling back against the couch. He wasn’t done though. Harry grabbed Liam by his wrist and dragged the shocked boy to their bedroom and threw him down onto the bed.

“You don’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do, you worthless piece of shit!” Harry screamed, punching Liam in the stomach. The other boy grunted and doubled over in pain. “You only listen to me, do you understand? You’re just lucky that I’ve put up with you as long as I have. Not that you deserve it!”

Harry began ripping Liam’s clothes off, and eventually Liam was left in his underwear, cowering on the bed beneath Harry. He had tears rolling down his face and he was clutching his stomach where Harry’d punched him earlier.

“Harry, stop!” Liam pleaded, hot tears streaming down his face. “Harry—I—I’m sorry! Please stop! I’m sorry! Don’t do this!”

Harry ignored Liam’s cries, though. He just undressed himself and jumped onto the bed, pinning Liam beneath him.

“Now we’re going to have sex, and you’re going to enjoy it. Because that’s what you are here for: to do as I say, and to please me.” Harry told him, dragging Liam’s boxers off and forcing his legs apart. Liam started to cry harder when he realized what Harry was about to do. His pleas of “Harry, stop! Harry, no, don’t! Harry, I’m sorry! Please don’t!” were ignored as Harry forced himself inside of Liam without a condom, lube, or any sort of preparation.

Liam was all but screaming out of pain—he hadn’t had sex for a long while, so it felt like he was being forced into. He could feel something running down the inside of his thigh, and he just prayed that it wasn’t what he thought it was.

Harry was grunting from exertion above him; thrusting in and out of Liam ruthlessly, careless of the other boy’s pain. Liam just closed his eyes and tried to pretend he was somewhere else. He still had tears running down his face, and he was bruised and he knew he wouldn’t be able to walk tomorrow.

Eventually, Harry found his release, spurting his seed deep inside of Liam. He pulled out, grabbed his clothes and his car keys, and left, slamming the door shut behind him. Liam curled up into the smallest ball he could manage and sobbed into his pillow, feeling sore and embarrassed and used. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve all this hurt; but he just wished it would all go away, because he wasn’t sure of how much more he could take.

Liam fell asleep that night with bruises forming on his body and dried tear tracks on his face, and he had nightmares replaying that nights events over and over and over.

That was the fourth time he’d been hurt.

-

Liam runs into Zayn— _literally_ —when he was running in the park. Running cleared his mind, and he felt more relaxed and ready to face the day when he was finished. This time, however, he failed to notice the dark haired boy skating towards him on the sidewalk. They collide, and Liam ends up falling directly on top of Zayn.

Liam blushes and immediately gets up off the boy, offering out an apologetic hand to help him up.

“Oh, goodness! I’m _so_ sorry!” Liam frantically apologizes. “I didn’t see you!”

The dark haired boy laugh (he _laughs,_ Liam is sure the boy is mental) and says, “No problem, mate. No harm done.”

Liam nods, but he’s still unconvinced. “Are you sure? Is there any way I can repay you for running into you?”

The boy smiles. “Sure, do you want to go get breakfast or something?”

Liam nods, then holds out his hand. “I’m Liam, by the way.”

He takes it. “Zayn. You’re a fairly fast runner. You on track?”

Liam nods. “Yeah, I used to be on my University’s team.”

“That’s cool.”

Liam nods once more, and they settle into a comfortable silence.

They end up eating at a quaint little restaurant that sells only breakfast food. They order their food, and they engage in small talk until it arrives. There’s silence, but it’s surprisingly not awkward. Liam takes the time to study Zayn.

Zayn has dark hair, and dark brown eyes. He has earrings in both ears, and Liam could see tattoo’s littered up and down his arms since he was wearing a short sleeved t-shirt. He’d never really expected to just suddenly be hanging out with a guy like Zayn who just kind of screamed ‘badboy’.

As weird as Liam thought it was though, it definitely didn’t put him off enough to decline Zayn’s offer of hanging out again. Liam and Zayn find themselves hanging out quite a lot after that, actually. They’d go bowling, play xbox, and even go out clubbing occasionally. Liam tries not to think about how close they’ve become, because he knows what happens after he gets close with someone. He ends up dating them, and then he gets hurt. And after what happened with Harry, he was more than scared of being hurt; he was _terrified_.

Liam still had nightmares of that night, though nobody else knew. He flinched anytime somebody raised their hand, afraid that they were going to hit him just like Harry had. He knew he was being pathetic, it had only happened once, but that one time was enough to scar him for life.

Zayn hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary as of yet, though.

Well, that is, until he showed up at Liam’s door with a rose one day and Liam swore that he was going to throw up if this shit didn’t stop happening to him.

“Zayn,” Liam says, cautiously. He opens the door and Zayn steps inside Liam’s flat. “What—what are you doing?”

Zayn looks sheepish and shy. “Look, Li, this might be a little straightforward, but I’ve liked you for a while, and this might jeopardize our friendship, but I just really wanted you to know how much I like you. And, I wanted to know if you’d go out with me? Y’know, on a proper date?”

“Zayn…I don’t… I just—I can’t. I’m sorry.” Liam feels bad for turning Zayn down, especially since he’s never seen Zayn this nervous ever, but he can’t help the burning reminders in his brain that haunt him of his past relationships.

Zayn frowns. “I—why?”

Liam just shakes his head, “I just can’t Zayn. I’m sorry.”

“Do you not like me like that, Liam? Is that it? It’s fine if you don’t, but I’d really like to know.”

“No, Zayn, it’s not that… I just… _can’t_.” Liam says apologetically.

“What the hell do you mean you can’t?” Zayn’s voice rises a little bit, and Liam feels his heart start to race and memories of his fight with Harry come flooding back instantly and _fucking hell this can’t be happening again_.  

“I just can’t Zayn, okay? I’m sorry.” Liam turns away from Zayn when he feels his eyes fill up with tears.

“Liam, I need a better explanation than just, ‘I can’t’!” Zayn yells, obviously confused and a bit distraught that Liam’s acting like this.

A single tear falls down Liam’s face as he says, “Just go Zayn. Please.”

“No, Liam. I’m not going to go. Just tell me—Are you crying? Fucking hell, Li, what’s wrong?” Zayn places a hand on Liam’s shoulder and Liam immediately flinches away as the memories come back more vivid and all he can think is _please, stop._

Liam can hear the confusion in Zayn’s voice when he says, “Liam, look at me.”

Liam shakes his head, so Zayn says it again, his voice a little bit louder and more controlling this time.

Terrified, Liam turns around and Zayn gasps when he sees Liam’s tear streaked face.

“Li?” Zayn asks quietly as he goes to raise a hand to Liam’s cheek. Liam sees the movement and immediately shrinks in on himself and guards his face.

“Please, don’t.” Liam whimpers. “Don’t hurt me.”

Zayn stares, confused at the way Liam is acting. “Liam, I’m not going to hurt you.” Liam shakes his head and Zayn can see his shoulders shaking with what he guesses are silent sobs.

He places his hand over Liam’s and Liam makes a pained sound and throws himself forcefully against the back of his couch, and he sinks down on to the floor and curls up in a ball and whimpers, “Please, don’t.” again.

“Fucking hell, Li. I’m not going to hurt you.” Zayn says, his voice low and calm. “Come ‘ere.”

Liam shakes his head and a sob escapes his throat.

Zayn sighs. “Liam, I swear to you that I won’t hurt you. Just come here.”

Liam looks up from his hands and he sees Zayn’s arms open wide for him, and his sincere eyes and his confused frown and he can’t help but throw himself into Zayn’s arms, tears falling down his face at a faster pace.

Zayn wraps his arm’s tightly around Liam, and he rocks them both as he whispers, “Shh, Li. It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m not going to hurt you. I don’t know why you would think that.”

Ten minutes later, Liam’s calmed down enough to where he’s just sniffling, and Zayn pulls away from their embrace too look Liam in the eyes.

“Are you okay now?” Zayn asks quietly.

Liam nods, and he feels his face heat up because _Zayn just saw me have a horrible flashback and now Zayn probably thinks I’m a proper nutter and fucking hell i can’t take this._

“Good,” Zayn says. “I’m going to go make us some tea, and then you’re going to explain what the hell just happened, okay?”

Liam nods reluctantly. He doesn’t really want to tell Zayn what happened, but he knows Zayn deserves that much considering he just helped Liam during one of his breakdowns.

Five minutes later, Zayn and Liam are sitting on the couch with cups of tea in their hands and Zayn is so quiet and sincere and un-judge mental that Liam can’t help but tell Zayn everything. He tells Zayn about Andy and Niall and Louis, and even Harry (when he tells him about Harry, Liam can see Zayn’s clench his fists and he gets this weird feeling in his chest and he doesn’t know what it is but he likes it). He tells Zayn about his fears and why he didn’t agree to go out with Zayn and by the end of the speech he’s babbling but he can’t stop and—

Liam feels a pair of lips on his and _Zayn’s fucking kissing him_ and it’s sweet and slow and it’s so different from everyone else he’s kissed and he can’t help but like Zayn even more.

Zayn pulls away from the kiss and rests his forehead on Liam’s. “Li, I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve any of that shit. And that Harry dude—God, I—I just wanna punch him. You’re so beautiful and caring and sweet and anyone who hurt you deserves to rot in hell.”

Liam feels his eyes well up with tears again, “Zayn, I—“

“Shh, Li. Let me finish. I want to prove to you that you deserve the best. I won’t hurt you, I won’t cheat on you, and we can go as slow as you are comfortable with. You may not believe me now, but just give me a chance, yeah? Give me a chance to show you how you should have been treated the entire time. Give me a chance to give you better memories and a better look on relationships and—just give me a chance. Please?”

Liam starts crying again but this time Zayn just wipes his tears away with the pad of his thumb and kisses Liam reassuringly, holding the younger boy tight in his arms. Liam can’t help but feel safe and protected and those are things he never felt while going out with his past boyfriends, and he loves it.

That was the first time someone had shown him that he deserve to be loved.

 


End file.
